Sweet Imperfections

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It was on a day like this one I found my biggest flaw and even finding it was a flaw in itself.

How can a flaw be so hard to find? It’s a flaw, it should be glaring! But it wasn’t. We’d combed through all the little imperfections and considered them not big enough till we’d found this.

In truth, “we” didn’t find this, you did, and it took at least thirty minutes of talking and arguing and practically negotiating before I came down to it.

I’m sorry.

See what I just realized? For every time I said my biggest fear was failure or oblivion, I lied.

I cannot fail; that’s as much a positive declaration as it is an assurance, plus, what’s oblivion anyway? If I do not fail (and I cannot), I’d have enough scribbles flying around for centuries – soon enough.

My biggest fear is being vulnerable. To let you see me for me, no defences, no shields, bare and uncovered. That you can see how I really feel without me having the first hand privilege of rewriting the way you see it, so I have the upper hand.

I don’t know what is scarier than that and my heart is literally thumping as I type this.

In my defence to shield me from this great fear of mine, I’ve carved and painted this picture of me, that is so pretty, so perfect. And it’s all you see. It’s fed to you over and again, till it reached the greatest heights and now it’s a yoke on our necks.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I only show you my strengths and not my weaknesses and now what you see is this tower of strength who has it figured out, not the confused 20 something year old I really am.

And how I’m so body conscious, it’s all we live and breathe! I never tell you about how long it took for me to actually be comfortable in my own skin, or how I ensure everything fits snug around the waist because it is my confidence booster, or how I’m actually lying when I say I’m “lowkey” insecure about the shape of my head and my bom. It’s not lowkey.

Most of all, I’m sorry I always come out as Miss Goody-two-shoes, who’s always happy and has a planned out existence.

I would always talk about how Jesus is the best way to solve every issue, and how if you talked to Him, you’d feel all the difference but I’d never tell you about the days I feel so gone, I can’t mutter a line to Him or make it to church for weeks, even when I know it’s all I need.

I’d gracefully let you see my plans book and the lists outlined with timelines but hide when I have to tear the page out and rewrite it because I NEVER meet any timelines I set for myself.

I’m the perfect goof with the wise chatter, the endless chuckles and chuckle-worthy retorts; just so you never see my woes or the pain around the edges of these eyes that know tears oh-so-often.

Every time I tell you we are on the same ship and you grunt in disbelief, I’ll tear off another guarded layer in hope that one day, some day, I’d be one with my fear – vulnerable, open – and you’d see through all of this, see me as I really am, with all my imperfections bubbling up, and then we’d sit in the warmth that only a fusion of our sweet imperfections can bring.

I hope you see it.

A Glimpse of God

I’m one of those people who went cashless even before there were enough ATMs and POS terminals around. I just conveniently forget to withdraw. Somewhere in my head, it helps me spend less. In real life, it ruins my budget plans and makes me spend twice as much! Nonetheless, you’d still catch me with insufficient cash four out of seven days, and yes, today was one of those days.

I didn’t withdraw last night – conveniently forgot again. I’d thought “I’d just ask someone at home to loan me a tiny bit plus some more for emergency“. I had the thought till I slept for the night. Still had it when I woke up this morning. For some reason, I did nothing about it. My mum had put me in a bus already before I realized I hadn’t gotten any money from home and I had just a fraction of the total amount I needed to get to work.

The thing about this morning is it’s about 5:30am, it’s raining “elephants and horses” and the distance between where this bus would stop and the next ATM is probably 5kms (I do not really know what amount of distance this is though) away. I couldn’t believe my life. 

Somewhere in the middle of not believing my life… the bus guy asks for our fares and from absolutely nowhere, the guy beside me reaches out and says he’s paying for two; for both of us! There had been no prior conversation or anything. He just paid.

***

I like to think that there is a glimpse of God everyday, in the most mundane day to day activities that we experience. They are like tiny little miracles that we didn’t even ask for but we needed and they’re His way of letting us know He’s here. I live for those moments.

24 And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear – Isaiah 65:24

In Threes

 

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All-time Good Gifts
Perfume
– Dresses
– Heels

Alter Ego is a:
Model  Runway Model  Runway Model in a Bikini 😐
Musician
– Celeb sha!

Aspirations
Can’t tell
Won’t tell
– Dunno :( (Technically speaking)

Bible Passages
Phillipians 3:12-13
– Proverbs 3:5
– Psalm 2: 7-9

Biggest Fears
Creepy Crawlies 
– Oblivion
– Failure

Books (Fiction)
Tell me your dreams – Sydney Sheldon
– Fine Things  – Danielle Steel
– Wings – Danielle Steel

Books (Memoirs)
– Eat. Pray. Love – Elizabeth Gilbert
– Splendid – Nigerian Author (Can’t remember her name. It was about her child, her sick child)
– What I talk about when I talk about running – Haruki Murakami

Books (Short Stories)
– What we talk about when we talk about love – Raymond Carver
– The Last Girlfriend on Earth and Other Love Stories – Simon Rich
– The Lover’s Dictionary – David Levithan (not really stories though. Just fab all the same!)

Can Cook
– Any
– Damn
– Thing with a recipe book in hand!

Celebrity Crushes
– Banky W *purrs*
– Justin Timberlake
– Ryan Gosling

Colours
– Black
– White
– Black & White (Sucker problems)

Food
Pasta
– Salad
– Pastry (Fish roll does not qualify)

Inspire Me
Heather Love Lindsay
– Ibukun Awosika
– T.Y. Bello

Jewelry
– Knuckle rings
– Plain necklace
– Wristwatch

Junk
– Chocolate filled with nuts (Snickers doesn’t qualify)
– Crackers
– Froyo

Movies (Happy Ending)
– Miracles from Heaven 
– Lion King (1 & 2)
– A Cinderella Story (Hilary Duff’s!)

Movies (Not-So-Happy-Ending)
– A Walk to Remember
– Brave Heart
– Paa

Movies (Sad Love Stories)
– If Only
– Fault in Our Stars
– P.S.: I love you

Secret Obsessions
– M******* u********
– Midnight snacking
– Weight (Not so secret aii?)

Pet Peeves
Waiting. Only just realized I really hate it. (Funny cuz I almost always run late. Double standards.)
– People with an inflated sense of their own importance.
– Leaders who shout and NEVER lead by example. (Quite a silly thing. Practice what you preach aii?) (Yes, this is a passive-aggressive ish)

Past-time
Reading
– Planning
– Goofing around

Randoms
– Scented Candles
– Teddy bears in human heights!
– Sticky notes with cute messages to me

Recent Activities
– Swimming
– Mommying (A lil pup <3 )
– Ticking my 50-itemed bucket list!

Shoes
– Sneakers
– Brogues
– Comfy heels

Upcoming Activities
– Bicycling
– Ticking all Sydney Sheldon’s books as read
– Monochrome Eclectic

Writers
– Sydney Sheldon
– Danielle Steel
Tolu Talabi

✌️

Walking Stories

She’s on the bench in the park, 2pm everyday.
She sits on there for 30 minutes, staring into space
She hardly notices anyone or anything happening around
But 2:30pm on the dot, she rises with gusto and heads back to work

**

They come to the same park everyday to get time to spend together
Their lunchtime at work is between 1:30pm and 2:30pm
So they walk in hand in hand, holding their lunch packs in the other hand
And sit across her, trying not to stare

*

She loves having lunch with him daily
Because between their schedule and commute, this is the only free time
But she wishes so much to be her
To sit on the park bench alone, taking it all in, the sight, the wind, the sun… the peace

*

He’s never loved anyone like he loves her
It aches him so much that all he gets is one hour of her time daily
What aches more is sensing her need for solitude
Because he’s not sure he can let her have it

**

He brings his kid to the park at the same time daily
It’s always just the two of them
They do not mix with other families
They are content in the company of each other

*

He wants to be the best father there is
And the time they spend together at the park is one of the many ways he’s found
Since he lost his wife three months ago, he’s put in everything he could muster into loving his kid
Like momma would have loved

*

His dad is everything, he knows he tries so hard for him but he misses momma
Because the light dad once had is gone, he’s no longer brimming with enthusiasm
If only he could meet someone new…
He glances towards her; she was always alone and she looked pretty calm and approachable

**

He’s the guard at the park who’s always on the daytime shift
He watches her every time she comes in at 2pm, alone
He watches her walk to the exact bench they used to sit in and have lunch daily – before he died
He looks at the couple across her; eating silently, and wonders if they appreciated what they had

walking stories

***

We are walking stories;
Of whos and hows and whys.