Stages of Desperation

Every time I want something, something I cannot readily reach in my resources to get, something that my getting depends on someone else’s feelings or emotions or mood or choice, I have these mini panic attacks in phases.

I. Hate. It.

Say for example, I wanted to get an A in a particular course (for some highly unnecessary reason in retrospect, and this was always the case when I was in school), I’d calculate how many marks I needed to hit the grade, then I’d look at the questions and choose the ones I knew I could attempt exceptionally well and then I’d give it my best shot.

But, as with everything else in life, my best shot being a best shot is still dependent on someone’s state of existence. If he just had the perfect date with his girlfriend, all the letters in my paper would be singing a melodious song to his ears; I get that damned A!

However, if it was a bad date or an itch he can’t reach to scratch, or even worse, his lunch was not palatable; the plausibility of getting that A starts to shake like this. Like that.

So then – amongst many other things that I pray for – I’d need to pray that my script gets into the marker’s hands when he’s in high spirits and of cheerful character. I have to go further and pray for every one he comes in contact with, that they make him extra happy.

I. Do. Not. Like. This.

It was a lot easier to deal with these panic attacks and disappointment as a student, as a mini-adult, trying damn hard to be a real adult, it’s different. It’s hard. It shakes the foundations of all the good things your parents told you growing up!

“You’re smart. You’re bright. Everyone who comes in contact with you would want you! You write so well. Your dreams are big, they’ll take you places…”

– Yes mom, so why didn’t I get a chance?! –

After a few rejections, my mind – of its own accord – started to build easier ways to deal with it.

I. Hate. It.

Try.
First, I take a chance. While I’m at it, I’m like; no harm in trying. I get called or not, it’s not a big deal. It could work out, you never know till you try. Tra la la. *lowkey noting the day to expect a response*

Stay Positive.
*One week to the day to get a response*
Don’t think about it, you’ll get called, you’ll get in. Remember, you’re smart, you talk intelligently, you write well! What’s not to love? You’ll get it. Stay positive. Trust God. If you don’t get in, no biggie, God has better plans! But, but, God, I’d like to get it…get called…

Negotiate.
*Three days to the day to get a response *
God see, I know I’ve been forming low key, but you know I need to get this. It’s in sync with my aspirations. It’s a chance to do this and that. I promise I’d use it to help other people. I wouldn’t waste the opportunity. Oh please let it be your will too. Hay God, I really want this *mini weeping*.

Fart.

*One day to the day to get a response*

My stomach is on auto pilot. It’s rumbling a lot and I’m not even sure why. Suddenly, I’m farting a lot – airy odorless farts. I say I ate something. I know it’s anxiety :(

Resolute.
*Hours to the response*
God if you’ll give it to me, it’s mine, if you won’t, I know it’s not your will. I’ll understand. *weeps a little more than expected*

*Response time comes, passes, I don’t get an acceptance email or a courtesy sorry email! They just leave me hanging like this. Like that!*

I. Just. Can’t.

I’ve started farting.

Again.

Sweet Imperfections

Screenshot_20160529-170922~2

It was on a day like this one I found my biggest flaw and even finding it was a flaw in itself.

How can a flaw be so hard to find? It’s a flaw, it should be glaring! But it wasn’t. We’d combed through all the little imperfections and considered them not big enough till we’d found this.

In truth, “we” didn’t find this, you did, and it took at least thirty minutes of talking and arguing and practically negotiating before I came down to it.

I’m sorry.

See what I just realized? For every time I said my biggest fear was failure or oblivion, I lied.

I cannot fail; that’s as much a positive declaration as it is an assurance, plus, what’s oblivion anyway? If I do not fail (and I cannot), I’d have enough scribbles flying around for centuries – soon enough.

My biggest fear is being vulnerable. To let you see me for me, no defences, no shields, bare and uncovered. That you can see how I really feel without me having the first hand privilege of rewriting the way you see it, so I have the upper hand.

I don’t know what is scarier than that and my heart is literally thumping as I type this.

In my defence to shield me from this great fear of mine, I’ve carved and painted this picture of me, that is so pretty, so perfect. And it’s all you see. It’s fed to you over and again, till it reached the greatest heights and now it’s a yoke on our necks.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I only show you my strengths and not my weaknesses and now what you see is this tower of strength who has it figured out, not the confused 20 something year old I really am.

And how I’m so body conscious, it’s all we live and breathe! I never tell you about how long it took for me to actually be comfortable in my own skin, or how I ensure everything fits snug around the waist because it is my confidence booster, or how I’m actually lying when I say I’m “lowkey” insecure about the shape of my head and my bom. It’s not lowkey.

Most of all, I’m sorry I always come out as Miss Goody-two-shoes, who’s always happy and has a planned out existence.

I would always talk about how Jesus is the best way to solve every issue, and how if you talked to Him, you’d feel all the difference but I’d never tell you about the days I feel so gone, I can’t mutter a line to Him or make it to church for weeks, even when I know it’s all I need.

I’d gracefully let you see my plans book and the lists outlined with timelines but hide when I have to tear the page out and rewrite it because I NEVER meet any timelines I set for myself.

I’m the perfect goof with the wise chatter, the endless chuckles and chuckle-worthy retorts; just so you never see my woes or the pain around the edges of these eyes that know tears oh-so-often.

Every time I tell you we are on the same ship and you grunt in disbelief, I’ll tear off another guarded layer in hope that one day, some day, I’d be one with my fear – vulnerable, open – and you’d see through all of this, see me as I really am, with all my imperfections bubbling up, and then we’d sit in the warmth that only a fusion of our sweet imperfections can bring.

I hope you see it.

Musings of a NEW 24 year old

Disclaimer: This does not apply to all 24 year olds and older, I mean, I’ve only been 24 for a few hours *shrug* Some sorta twisted note to self? Yeah, somewhat. 

24

  1. It’s your last year in the 18-24 demography, from next year, you’re going to start ticking the second line on all those many forms you’d be filling. How’s about making this year count?
  2. If you aren’t living your dreams by now, please what are you doing? No no no, Baz Luhrman’s Sunscreen message saying “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t” does not apply. It simply DOES NOT! Solomon became king as a little child, ya too old auntee!
  3. WAKE UP! You see how you still think relationships are like tinko tinko, when you’re already going for all your friends’ omugwo… you had better start ensuring all your dates are close in proximity to Ikoyi registry. Silent reminders are hugely effective.
  4. I know, I know, you think disheveled hair is sexy. I’ll just break it to you – it’s not. It’s untidy. And why do you have to keep it tidy? The girls out there are not smiling, see point 3 again. 😀
  5. You see all those work outs you’ve only been having in your head and your timetable, you gattta start them now! Metabolism weel soon start slowing down and fat seeping in. Yes, ya now older!
  6. From now on, when anyone randomly asks your hobbies, you should say – with gusto –  “Cooking! Oh I love cooking!”. Grown women cook everything without breaking a sweat. Kinda. (When the kitchen is well ventilated)
  7. Be all sorts of sweet to yourself. All sorts. You want a getaway trip; save up for it and go! You want a fancy dinner at some top notch restaurant; grab your girlfriends (that’s what they’re there for!) or your boyfriend (Stay in the ladies till the cheque is paid), and go! You simply owe yourself your happiness, so never hold back on all the little things that stir it in.
  8. Family isn’t just everything, they’ll always be everything. Treat them that way.
  9. STOP STOP STOP cutting back on your me-time to do the most unimportant stuff. It annoys all of us in here. Solitude is bliss – E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. – signed, The Introvert.
  10. Outside cooking, find a real hobby or hobbies. However weird it is, it’s yours. No one can take it away. See, every girl has four primary needs –  God, an active hobby, a sound mind and friends with sound minds. These needs give you a life, basically. One worth living.
  11. Always get yourself a smashing birthday gift, every year. It’s a necessary. Makes keeping track of the years fun. I think.
  12. There are NO fairytales. There are pictures you paint, that may be fairytaly and you have to work towards with grit and faith. That’s the most you get where fairytales are concerned.
  13. Keep your words short and as bonds. If you won’t do it, don’t say it. As you get older, your words do too, and how you handle them is what you’d soon be known for.
  14. Never EVER lose your soul to this world in a quest to gain vanity.
  15. Pray everytime. When you’re pooping, eating, running, sleeping… EVERYTIME! Prayer is what your life hangs unto. Don’t ever forget that.
  16. No one is perfect, embrace the journey as we all try to figure it out.
  17. Don’t settle for a life less than the faintest picture your ever painted. Even the ones where you are at a Karaoke bar performing some crazy hit single and there’s a standing ovation when you’re done – don’t settle for singing to your self in the shower. -_-
  18. You should spend more time doing the chicken dance than sitting quietly in the corner. Wacky is you. You’d always be that way. Don’t let no one – and no age – take it away from you.
  19. Be grateful  and stay happy, it’s the secret to being forever young .
  20. We are 24!

Love,
Self

Now you know me ;)

On one of those days when everything is such a drag, I filled two of those “50 questions to really get to know someone” quizzes.  Here’s one :)

P.S.: I hope you’re so bored, you want to pull out your hair 😛

1) Are you a morning or night person? Why isn’t there afternoon listed? Night.
2) Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? I have my moments.
3) Ninjas or pirates? What does that even mean?
4) Ninjas vs pirates, discuss. Please read above.
5) Autobots or Decepticons? Please read above above.
6) What was your favorite childhood television program? Superman and Pinky & the Brain. I watched them every morning on NTA, in the time it took to wait for my dad to get ready to drop me at school.
7) Are you a collector of anything? Yup! Letters, Old pictures, memorabilia…
8) If you could be any animal, what would you be? Man 😐
9) If you could have any superpower, what would it be? To not get exhausted
10) What is usually your first thought when you wake up? Oh crap! It’s morning!
11) What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Haaaaa! I’m drifting :)
12) What’s your favorite color? Black
13) What’s your favorite animal? Dogs. Actually puppies. I wish they never had to grow.
14) Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? Dunno man! Never crosses my mind.
15) Do you believe in ghosts? Yes! They’re everywhere *looks around, afraid*
16) Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)? I guess. Mario? I just wanted to save the princess :( She needed me.
17) You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? I hate to imagine how I’d spend money I don’t have. Give it to me, I’ll let you know how I’d spend it.
18) Have any bad habits? Loads! I don’t sleep a lot, don’t eat enough, bite my nails, worry too goddamn much….and the list goes on!
19) Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy? All of them 😐
20) List 3 of your best personality traits: Empathic, empathic, empathic again.
21) List 3 of your worst personality traits: Stubborn, Saucy, Overwhelming
22) Have any celebrity crushes? JT and Ryan Gosling! So hawt!
23) List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: My toe nails! No! My finger nails! Ah, just one :( My phalanges 😀
24) Any tattoos or piercings? Just my ear lobes. Boring much.
25) What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Poise? Stride? Dunno!
26) What personality traits do you look for in a partner? Sense of humor, charm, smart, yadiyadiyada
27) What personality traits do you dislike in other people? Same old
28) Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years? I guess.
29) Are you mostly a clean or messy person? Cleanie!
30) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? The Bahamas :) The name’s got a ring to it.
31) If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Same as above
32) List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list: 1). Learn to swim 2). Be in a flashmob 3). Kiss in the rain 4). Cock a gun 5).  Runaway for a week like I’ve been kidnapped 😀
33) Name 1 regret you have: Being timid for so long.
34) Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: The innocence and not caring about much
35) Name 1 thing you love about being an adult: The independence
36) What’s your favorite song of the moment? Colbie Caillat’s Break through
37) What’s your favorite song of all time? Can’t think now
38) What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Hang out some place
39) What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? Be with my family
40) Have any hidden talents? I can fold neatly into a medium sized box
41) You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? No food. I’d be wailing too much to have an appetite. Just in case I have to, Spaghetti and Meat balls
42) What would be your dream job? Anything geared towards creativity and fun
43) Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love? True love for the 100 million dollars
44) If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? I’ll get back to you
45) Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why? Yes, when I have crazy cramps or I’m not in the mood for the whole dress up (which is always)
46) Name 1 thing not many people know about you: I’m a meanie *evil grin*
47) If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? Rumplestiltskin. Don’t ask why 😛
48) Do you believe in the afterlife? Dunno what that means. I believe in Heaven and hell.
49) On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies? Huh? Don’t even get me started on abortions.  I absolutely love all cookies.

“Rapunzel, let down your hair. NOW!”

My hair is natural *shrugs*

Unlike many “naturalistas”, my hair hasn’t always had me gushing and taking pictures of the step by step process I take to make it look good. It’s my hair. It’s on my head. That’s about it.

I hardly even remember it is natural except when my stylist is huffing and puffing above me trying to weave the base to fix my weave on or when my weave gets all tangled halfway into the scheduled time I want to have it on and I cannot yank it off. (That happens all the time, so let’s just say I always remember my hair is natural. *covers face* But you get the point, yes?)

I think my nonchalance towards my hair is mostly ’cause I didn’t selectively go natural. It just happened. So all the fuss about watching how it grows is beyond me.

So, I chose this month to have a relationship with my hair. (I’m only two days into it and this is no fun. :( )

I’m having a bit of culture shock. There are all these terms. These rules. I’m like wha.?!

– How long is your hair: “Bra-strap length” “Collar bone length” “Tonsils length :|”

– Co-wash your hair.

– Always seal it before you go to bed with a silk or satin scarf

– No heat driers

– Constantly moisturize it with castor oil, coconut oil, the fat from the inner thighs of a cow !

– Jump in the rain for more length

– Scattered hair is cute

It’s endless! Like a mini-project.

I can’t deal 😐