Sweet Imperfections

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It was on a day like this one I found my biggest flaw and even finding it was a flaw in itself.

How can a flaw be so hard to find? It’s a flaw, it should be glaring! But it wasn’t. We’d combed through all the little imperfections and considered them not big enough till we’d found this.

In truth, “we” didn’t find this, you did, and it took at least thirty minutes of talking and arguing and practically negotiating before I came down to it.

I’m sorry.

See what I just realized? For every time I said my biggest fear was failure or oblivion, I lied.

I cannot fail; that’s as much a positive declaration as it is an assurance, plus, what’s oblivion anyway? If I do not fail (and I cannot), I’d have enough scribbles flying around for centuries – soon enough.

My biggest fear is being vulnerable. To let you see me for me, no defences, no shields, bare and uncovered. That you can see how I really feel without me having the first hand privilege of rewriting the way you see it, so I have the upper hand.

I don’t know what is scarier than that and my heart is literally thumping as I type this.

In my defence to shield me from this great fear of mine, I’ve carved and painted this picture of me, that is so pretty, so perfect. And it’s all you see. It’s fed to you over and again, till it reached the greatest heights and now it’s a yoke on our necks.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I only show you my strengths and not my weaknesses and now what you see is this tower of strength who has it figured out, not the confused 20 something year old I really am.

And how I’m so body conscious, it’s all we live and breathe! I never tell you about how long it took for me to actually be comfortable in my own skin, or how I ensure everything fits snug around the waist because it is my confidence booster, or how I’m actually lying when I say I’m “lowkey” insecure about the shape of my head and my bom. It’s not lowkey.

Most of all, I’m sorry I always come out as Miss Goody-two-shoes, who’s always happy and has a planned out existence.

I would always talk about how Jesus is the best way to solve every issue, and how if you talked to Him, you’d feel all the difference but I’d never tell you about the days I feel so gone, I can’t mutter a line to Him or make it to church for weeks, even when I know it’s all I need.

I’d gracefully let you see my plans book and the lists outlined with timelines but hide when I have to tear the page out and rewrite it because I NEVER meet any timelines I set for myself.

I’m the perfect goof with the wise chatter, the endless chuckles and chuckle-worthy retorts; just so you never see my woes or the pain around the edges of these eyes that know tears oh-so-often.

Every time I tell you we are on the same ship and you grunt in disbelief, I’ll tear off another guarded layer in hope that one day, some day, I’d be one with my fear – vulnerable, open – and you’d see through all of this, see me as I really am, with all my imperfections bubbling up, and then we’d sit in the warmth that only a fusion of our sweet imperfections can bring.

I hope you see it.

Musings of a NEW 24 year old

Disclaimer: This does not apply to all 24 year olds and older, I mean, I’ve only been 24 for a few hours *shrug* Some sorta twisted note to self? Yeah, somewhat. 

24

  1. It’s your last year in the 18-24 demography, from next year, you’re going to start ticking the second line on all those many forms you’d be filling. How’s about making this year count?
  2. If you aren’t living your dreams by now, please what are you doing? No no no, Baz Luhrman’s Sunscreen message saying “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t” does not apply. It simply DOES NOT! Solomon became king as a little child, ya too old auntee!
  3. WAKE UP! You see how you still think relationships are like tinko tinko, when you’re already going for all your friends’ omugwo… you had better start ensuring all your dates are close in proximity to Ikoyi registry. Silent reminders are hugely effective.
  4. I know, I know, you think disheveled hair is sexy. I’ll just break it to you – it’s not. It’s untidy. And why do you have to keep it tidy? The girls out there are not smiling, see point 3 again. 😀
  5. You see all those work outs you’ve only been having in your head and your timetable, you gattta start them now! Metabolism weel soon start slowing down and fat seeping in. Yes, ya now older!
  6. From now on, when anyone randomly asks your hobbies, you should say – with gusto –  “Cooking! Oh I love cooking!”. Grown women cook everything without breaking a sweat. Kinda. (When the kitchen is well ventilated)
  7. Be all sorts of sweet to yourself. All sorts. You want a getaway trip; save up for it and go! You want a fancy dinner at some top notch restaurant; grab your girlfriends (that’s what they’re there for!) or your boyfriend (Stay in the ladies till the cheque is paid), and go! You simply owe yourself your happiness, so never hold back on all the little things that stir it in.
  8. Family isn’t just everything, they’ll always be everything. Treat them that way.
  9. STOP STOP STOP cutting back on your me-time to do the most unimportant stuff. It annoys all of us in here. Solitude is bliss – E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. – signed, The Introvert.
  10. Outside cooking, find a real hobby or hobbies. However weird it is, it’s yours. No one can take it away. See, every girl has four primary needs –  God, an active hobby, a sound mind and friends with sound minds. These needs give you a life, basically. One worth living.
  11. Always get yourself a smashing birthday gift, every year. It’s a necessary. Makes keeping track of the years fun. I think.
  12. There are NO fairytales. There are pictures you paint, that may be fairytaly and you have to work towards with grit and faith. That’s the most you get where fairytales are concerned.
  13. Keep your words short and as bonds. If you won’t do it, don’t say it. As you get older, your words do too, and how you handle them is what you’d soon be known for.
  14. Never EVER lose your soul to this world in a quest to gain vanity.
  15. Pray everytime. When you’re pooping, eating, running, sleeping… EVERYTIME! Prayer is what your life hangs unto. Don’t ever forget that.
  16. No one is perfect, embrace the journey as we all try to figure it out.
  17. Don’t settle for a life less than the faintest picture your ever painted. Even the ones where you are at a Karaoke bar performing some crazy hit single and there’s a standing ovation when you’re done – don’t settle for singing to your self in the shower. -_-
  18. You should spend more time doing the chicken dance than sitting quietly in the corner. Wacky is you. You’d always be that way. Don’t let no one – and no age – take it away from you.
  19. Be grateful  and stay happy, it’s the secret to being forever young .
  20. We are 24!

Love,
Self

Halcyon

I’ve been happy lately.

Too happy for the normal me.

The kind of happy that has me double checking if I’m still me or something happened when I wasn’t looking.

I danced for two straight hours on Sunday and turned the bus home last night to a mini club, dancing and singing aloud, with my best partner in crazy – the sister.

I’m finding music in all the noise around me and something to laugh about in all the chaos.

There’s just something funny on every turn and it’s beautiful.

I’m waking up at five to have a hasty breakfast, because I was too lazy to have dinner.

I’m reading at every tiny chance of silence I have.

I’m standing in the sun and feeling it’s warmth.

I’m letting go of things that I can’t understand, brooding on nothing.

I’m practicing new dance steps, waiting for the next friend who’s gonna get married, because, I just want to boogy down yo!

It feels weird to be in this state…

I like weird.

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into the happiness forever, to stay afloat on top if it” – Elizabeth Gilbert